a strange toast to him


Me to hiM

today i said to myself, “what if i would go to maison du people in st gilles and i will have a beer. st gilles, with that old church which dominating all over the place, with the marocan snack on the other side making the best coffee from bxl or the tasty meat-pie, with the cheap market with such crazy memories i used to make fun about… and to go across on a bruxeloise street, to find a maison bruxelois, old style and un-refurbished (my favorite)… to find a friend of mine, an old friend of mine i once shared with maybe my deepest thoughts…

what if, i said, and there i went, and what do you think, i said to myself, i will drink a beer and i will give an imaginary and grateful toast to the memory of my old but never forgotten friend, to the memory of our time spent together, to whom i confided all my sensibility, all my vulnerability, to whom i confided once maybe all about me, with no restriction.

and here i was, paying a beer, going outside holding my beer, finding a chair and a table, sitting on the chair, enjoying my beer, asking myself, while i was enjoying my solitaire beer, “nevertheless, anA, what was so attractive about this man, what made you so taken up with him, what was the similarity with your father which made you so crazy about… because only the subconscious could have such a force towards you… so the similarity should exists… somewhere…

and i remembered… (guess what it came to my mind?) such a crazy thing, like your black table, a squat red tomato, and me bending on that black table, and you there dominating me, and what else, me in that movie studio, sucking you and your sperm all over my face… and i said again, stunned… WHY?

and while i was enjoying all of these crazy thoughts, what do you thing, just into my sight, ten meters away, walking across the empty market, with a black backpack (the same?!) on the back, with the same big steps, the same rumpled hair, the same concerned air, the same arrogant but vulnerable look… walking next to a shorter friend… it was, yOU. In that moment I stared at you, like you stare at a ghost, and your mind clears all the intellect in the next second and brings up only the instincts, and YOU DONT KNOW. I said WTF is this, and i watched you while you moved away, with that short friend of you along, and my mind was so empty. Of thoughts.

so strange, i said, and i couldnt move, keeping asking myself if there is any truth that if you think very deep about someone, he will appear. so how deep were my thoughts about you?

and in about 2 minutes of being astonished, that ghost of you and your short friend showed up again, holding a bike aside.

i looked at the old clock of the old church across the street of the maison du people bar. it was 20.45. outside – dark. people around – looking like normal and enjoying. just next to my side – two young men talking loud in flemish. looking again for you, your bike and your short friend of you… all disappeared in the dark. a deja-vù feeling overcame me. crazy thoughts: does still have the big black table, does he live in the same old maison where once we ve met. suddenly i felt cold. so cold that my legs began to shake. After my legs i couldnt control my hands’ shudder. After my hands i couldnt control my body shudder. My all body. My heart. I stood up shuddering. Collected my bag, my hands, and my legs. Started walking towards the tram.

today i was in st gilles. to give a toast to an imaginary friend. ive been there. dont know why.

His replay

it’s strange indeed you know… i’ve been thinking about you more than usually this last week, i’ve dreamt about you the other night (can’t remember the content), i often drive close to where i last know that you lived and i wonder if you live there still, today at 6:30pm, driving my bike close to that place, i wondered and imagined seeing you, there, call you or ring at your door and have a beer, like if we were still familiar, and lately i was surprised to have delicious forbidden fantasies with you as a heroine.
And also, i wonder why we don’t stay in touch. I’d prefer to be not that distant.

After reading his answer

deciding that people i really love i should allow them to get closer to me. but keep the distance too. and i cried.


I think i havnt seen hiM in more than 1 year…

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Two chorists


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